Words are without a doubt packed with power!
With a single word, you can comfort a grieving friend or end a cherished childhood friendship.
With a single word, a general can command his troops to attack and win a battle or make them retreat in defeat and return to fight another day.
With a single word, a life can be saved, or a life can be taken.
A word.
A simple word spoken at the right or wrong time can mean the difference between joy or sorrow, victory or defeat, or even life or death.
Words are so powerful that they can impact the course of our lives. Remember that the power of words has shaped history. It still does today, and it will continue to do so as time passes. Words mold our attitudes, motivate our actions, reveal our character, and direct our steps.
The Power of Words in Marriage
Consider the significance of “I do” or “I will” at a wedding. These words convey assurance, hope, faithfulness, and love. This vow of commitment is made in the presence of God and of witnesses and lays the foundation of a lifelong devotion to a loved one. And yet, as the years go by, the power of these words is eclipsed by hurtful words deliberately hurled to win a fight or uttered without careful consideration to silence opposition.
Therefore, it is exceedingly important and necessary for husbands and wives to learn how to communicate with grace. By learning how to recognize and avoid harmful and sinful speech, couples could either arrive at a resolution to an issue or agree to a compromise.
Common Unhelpful Speech Patterns
Sweeping Generalizations
Generalizations often start with “You always…” or “You never…” Intended to blame the other person for one or more faults, most generalizations in arguments tend to widen the distance between a couple because of inaccurate or unfounded assumptions which in turn breed resentment. They often disregard, discount, or dismiss past efforts, actions, and intentions, making the accusation inherent in the statement a lie.
When you catch yourself about to make a sweeping generalization about your partner, examine if the words you intend to say are exact and convey the truth at all times, an absolute. Once you recognize the statement for what it is, rephrase it so that it invites further dialog.
For example, instead of saying: “You always forget to take out the trash. You’re such an irresponsible person!” say: “I noticed you haven’t been taking out the trash these past few days. Can we talk about it?” Framing it this way opens the way to discussion and a resolution to the issue.
Remember, or better yet, memorize Ephesians 4:29: “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building up what is needed, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”
Expressions of Contempt
You can recognize if someone regards you with contempt through nonverbal ways such as smirking, eye-rolling, lip-pursing, head tilted back with a challenging wide-eyed prove-me-wrong stare, etc. These body language cues are usually preceded, accompanied, or followed by vocal statements (sometimes rhetorical). Here are a few examples:
Belittling: “You thought that was enough?”
Sarcasm: “That was a genius idea, wasn’t it? Bravo!”
Ridicule: “That’s just the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard fin my life.”
Insults: “You are totally useless.”
Name-calling: “You’re a good-for-nothing ‘loser’ with a capital ‘L’!
Now, be honest. How can words such as those enumerated above help resolve the situation? What do they accomplish? If you were on the receiving end of such a string of contemptuous language, wouldn’t you feel like a boxer being hit below the belt multiple times?
Contemptuous words only produce negative effects. The hearer would only feel defensive and perhaps lash out in rage and unleash vitriolic words of scorn himself. Otherwise, if he is a melancholic kind of person who retreats in himself when confronted, he would develop feelings of helplessness, retreat within himself in depression, harbor resentment, and start building walls that prevent emotional, physical, and mental intimacy.
Instead of uttering words that do not help address the issue, say something that would do the following:
- Draw the other person closer and encourage him to interact
- Help him acknowledge the problem or unfavorable situation
- Prompt him to ask for forgiveness and repent if needed
- Make both of you work together to solve the issue.
For example, instead of saying “This makes me think how unreliable you are,” say “Situations like this have been happening a lot lately. Let’s talk and find out how to deal with it.”
To avoid saying harsh remarks, memorize Proverbs 12:18: “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Connection-killing Comparison
There are several reasons why we usually resort to comparison when arguing. Here are a few:
- To motivate change.
- To make a point.
- To justify behavior or a decision.
- To highlight perceived unfairness.
- To express frustration and disappointment.
Human nature, in its fallen, sinful, and fallible state, often reacts in ways contrary to the expected outcome. Comparing your spouse to someone else and measuring his performance against another person’s can instead lead to:
- Feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
- Emotional distancing to protect from future criticism.
- Resentment towards you and the person being used for comparison.
- Temporary change and the erection of walls.
- Your spouse compares you to others in return.
We often forget our shortcomings when we compare someone’s failures or flaws to another’s successes and virtues. Matthew 7:3-5 cautions us not to focus on the speck in our brother’s eye while ignoring the plank in our own. Similarly, in marriage, before pointing out how our spouse falls short compared to others, we should examine ourselves first. Instead of using comparisons that hurt and divide, we should speak words that encourage growth and strengthen our bond.
For example, rather than saying “Why can’t you be more like John? He always helps his wife with the housework,” try “I would really appreciate some help with the household chores. Could we work together to figure out a way to share these responsibilities?” This encourages the other person to respond positively.
Remember what Galatians 6:4-5 teaches us: “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Let’s focus on building each other up rather than tearing down through harmful comparisons.
Conclusion
Words.
Just as a single word can comfort or wound, save or destroy, build up or tear down, your words to your spouse have power.
They can strengthen or weaken.
They can heal or hurt.
They can unite or divide.
Choose them wisely, for they shape your marriage day by day, word by word.
“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14)